Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize