We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I want to fling myself into the sun
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
