i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
