well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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