i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
