It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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