You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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