so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
