we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Randomize
