I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
jump out the window naked night went bad
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
