Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
