My balls are so social today.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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