she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
