It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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