i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I stole a fireplace last night.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
