I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
