I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I cannot find my penis.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
