o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
