Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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