If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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