I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
