i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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