Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
