He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
