i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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