I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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