Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
