At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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