Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize