Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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