How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
