I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
