I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
