Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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