I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
