Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
