Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
