You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
