she woke up with a sticky ear
I should be sponsored by Trojan
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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