i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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