shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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