You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
