I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize