i will never coherently bang her
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
