Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Randomize
