Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He felt like a one man threesome
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
