I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
