Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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