Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
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