oh god the rape fog is back!
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
