Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I think my fart just growled at me.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
