Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
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