Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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