dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
