Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
