I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Randomize
