p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
