Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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